The beauty and the peril are the same damn thing.

Some people make decisions based on what feels good to them. Some make them based on their obligations or what they feel they have to do. Some use the eenie meenie miny mo method to make their decisions, and some just wait it out until a decision is made for them.  

I hung out with King the other day, and I was amused when I noticed that he makes choices based on the amount of work whatever errand or activity might require of him. We left his house and drove down his street about a block when he realized he'd forgotten something he had intended on bringing with him. I asked him why we wouldn't just turn back to get it, and he very quickly replied with a list of steps it would take to accomplish the seemingly easy task of going back: turn around, park the car, get out, unlock the door, disarm the security alarm, locate the forgotten item, re-arm the security alarm, lock the door, get back into the car, pull out of the driveway, and drive down the street. Too much work apparently, so he decided to be without whatever it was he left behind. And just like that, his decision was made.  

I might be a little impressed by his method of choosing mainly because it's pretty much the exact opposite of what comes naturally to me. I am a horrible judge of the amount of work it takes to do anything. I overestimate my desire for the end result and consistently underestimate the value of my own time. So I promise and I do and I spend my precious mortal minutes on choices that aren't worth it or don't better my life in the least. Why? I have no idea. It's the only way I ever knew to be, but fuck that. No more.  

Recent close encounters of the third love have caused this immediate shift in me. Someone passed me an article about the three times we fall in love in our lifetime and the significance of every plunge. I found myself relating to it immediately. According to the article, your first descent is into the kind of love that looks ideal from the outside but causes you to compromise yourself on the inside. The second is the hard and narcissistic love that hurts, manipulates and teaches you about what you need and the tolerance of your own boundaries. And the third is the kind that just fits. It has chemistry, connection, all the good feels, and can sometimes make you forget you have feet. 

At the moment, I can look down and see that my feet are as there as they ever were, but the reason they won't walk when I know they should run is the same exact reason I shouldn't be standing here. There's so much I have to figure out, but here's what I have so far: Time can heal you, kill you, hold you or crush you, and the same goes for love. The reason I stay will be the reason I go, and the most beautiful truth can cheat you. 

So here, in it's proper place in the universe, is my official away message for all the bullshit and the non-worth-its. I've gone to adopt King's method of considering the work required, and it might take a minute since a block away is now a world away. Home is basically a dot to me, much as it feels sometimes like I'm already there.  

xx.

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